Fixing the X-Factor

Following this weekend’s sing off between arguably the two best singers in the contest, it’s fair to say that most people now think that X-Factorhas become a bit of a farce. Especially when you consider that Rylan is still there – A man who in proving he could stand on the stage and sing for Gary Barlow, proved he was just as tone deaf as we all thought.

So what’s gone wrong with the show this year? I think that’s obvious – it’s been abandoned by it’s guiding light, one Simon Cowell. X-Factor was his baby and he has always been the driving forcing behind it. And while he’s been busy state-side with the US version of the show, the original has suffered, becoming almost a parody of itself.

So, how to put it right? Well, what follows are my humble suggestions. None of them will actually happen, but if the producers are reading (which they won’t be ) – give these points some thought.

The Judges

Like it or not, the judges are the stars of the show, not the constants. And right now, the judging line-up is flawed. Two years ago, what I would consider to the be strongest judging panel in the 9 years of the show was broken up and aside from one, the replacements haven’t been up to scratch. Simon and Cheryl Cole left for the US version (although Cheryl was then dumped because no Americans could understand a word she said) while Danni Minogue was unceremoniously jettisoned.

Last year saw the addition of Gary Barlow, Tulisa Contostavlos, and Kelly Rowland. And this year, Kelly has been replaced by another American – and a reject from the failed first US series – Nicole Scherzinger, which along with loveable Louis Walsh, gives us the current line-up.

• Gary Barlow – I think Gary has been a success as a the ‘replacement’ for Simon Cowell. Like Cowell, he talks a lot of sense and appears to want the genuinely talented contestants to do well over the comedy acts. His views, of all the judges,the ones that are closest to my own. So I’d keep Gary – although I wouldn’t be surprised if he walked away after the train wreck that has been this year’s series.
• Louis Walsh – Once he was loveable, now he’s just annoying. His comments are the same every week, and haven’t really changed from nine years ago. Much like the series itself, he’s become a running joke. It’s time he left. But they tried to get rid of him once before, remember? It seems he’s like a bad penny.
•  Tulisa – Just get rid. Now. The woman brought in to replace Cheryl as the nation’s sweetheart is about as far from that as it’s possible to be. A gobby Chav with a sex-tape. She has nothing useful to say, hates anything that she doesn’t see as “urban” and thinks more of herself than anyone else thinks of her. Get rid. Now.
• Nicole – She’s been a breath of fresh air and great fun. But she’s also responsible for inflicting Rylan Clark on us and for that reason alone she needs the sack.

Which leaves me with one judge. So who to replace the deadwood with? The most obvious choice is to bring back Cheryl, pronto. Some say she wouldn’t come back, but I disagree. X-Factor made her. It turned her from a member of Girls Aloud to the first genuine ‘Nation’s Sweetheart’ that we’ve seen in a long time and a solo star in her own right. Her empathic sway with the contestants, coupled with just the right amount of support, praise and constructive critiques makes her the ideal judge.

I’d have Danni back too, but I can’t see that happening with the way she was treated. So instead, I’d give Mel B a chance. She was the best of the guest judges at auditions this year, and I think she’d be great as a full time judge.

Finally, since the chances of Simon coming back are less than none, ITV need to find a ‘new’ Simon Cowell. What do I mean by that? Well, remember the first series of Pop Idol? Pete Waterman was supposed to be the star judge. No one knew who Simon Cowell was other than some shadowy record exec. And that’s what ITV need now. An ‘unknown’ (to the public at least) record exec who knows his stuff and isn’t afraid to tell it like it is. Is there one out there? There has to be, surely?

Back to Basics

Part of X-Factor’s problem is that it’s gotten “too big”. It’s too full of it’s own self-importance. The contestants are stars as soon as they make the live shows – before even.   Every stage, from the auditorium audition (nicked from Britian’s Got Talent) to boot-camp, to judges houses to the live shows and even the results show – it’s all too big, too staged, too… too much.

It’s needs to be stripped back to what the show is at its heart – a singing contest to find a recording artist. Forget the over top production of the performances at live shows (Rylan again!) the best performances this year have been when a constant just stands there and sings (or plays an instrument and sings). So let the constants stand there and sing. Let them showcase their voice and their talent.

What I’d do is go back to the original auditions. Have the contestants in a small room, singing a cappella (or with a guitar/piano) to the four judges. That’s it. Same goes for boot camp – make both stages feel like proper AUDITIONS – not part of the damn show.

I think the Judges Houses section is fine, so leave it as it is. But it’s the live shows that need a big make over. First, get rid of that massive stage set and have something a lot smaller. In fact, get rid of the studio based set completely. What I would do, is take the show “on the road”. Each week, broadcast the show from live venues from around the country. Start with small venues, then build up to larger and larger ones until the final is somewhere of significance, like Wembley or the O2.

I also think this will help with the crowds at live shows – which have become as over the top as the rest of the show. They need to find a way to stop the pantomime booing that accompanies even the slightest negative comment as well.

The Talent

This one is obvious, but they need to stop putting through the comedy acts to live shows. They’ve always been there – Jedward, Wagner and this year’s token circus freak in Rylan Clark – but they need to stop putting them through. They are making a mockery of the whole thing.

Voting

This needs an overhaul too. Ten years ago, phone/text voting was the cutting edge. Not any more it’s not. X-factor needs to embrace the new methods of communication that are the norm, ie Facebook & Twitter. A Facebook poll would be easy to set up – it’s done all the time, and I’m pretty sure that some bright spark could use a hashtag (like #xfactorvote) to count up the twitter vote too.

Sure, Syco might not make as much money with this type of vote – but it would make the vote relevant again, and honestly, I’ll bet the voting numbers this year are way down judging by the reaction on twitter every week to the results of the vote.

So, would all that work? Would it make X-factor a better show? I don’t know, but from the way things are right now, it sure as hell couldn’t make it any worse.

Related articles

• Unbelievable! Simon Cowell slams exit of X Factor favourite Ella Henderson (standard.co.uk)
• ‘Get Chris Maloney out’: Simon Cowell wants Gary Barlow act off X Factor (mirror.co.uk)
• Gary Barlow out, Simon Cowell in – who cares? X Factor will still be the same tired, cliche-ridden circus (mirror.co.uk)
• Simon Cowell wants to go Factor the future – and bring the original judges back (thesun.co.uk)
• The most controversial moments on the X Factor, EVER! (mirror.co.uk)
• Ella V James?! Has The X Factor Got TOO Ridiculous? (graziadaily.co.uk)

X-Factor 27/10/12 – Live(ish) blog

I’m a bit late to the ‘live’ part of this live blog (by which I mean I’m writing as I watch the show, cause, let’s be honest, you need to do something while watching). And I might have to stop if Lily wakes up, starts crying and therefore needs a cuddle to go back to sleep.

But anyway…

It’s Halloween week, but I think they’re missing a trick. Skyfall was released yesterday and it look like the contestants all went to the première (bastards), so shouldn’t it be Bond week?

Kye was first up this week, singing a Robbie Williams classic. The one he usually opens up his shows with. And he had to rehearse it in from of the man himself. Bet he felt shit about that. I expected it to be shit but it wasn’t as shit as I expected. Not good though.

Union J went second. I’ll be honest, it kind of passed me by and I was only half listening. But that was enough for me. Shit. Sometimes I wonder if the judges are watching the same thing as me. How could they praise them for that?

Oh, and Louis, you need to find a new catchphrase. “I think they could be the next big boy band…” What, has Simon already been on the the blower offering to manufacture them into it next year?

20:59 – Oh my god. It’s Rylan. Should I take this chance to go get a beer?

21:00 – Lewis Hamilton – you’re a lucky, lucky boy….

21:04 – Sorry, still don’t ‘get’ Rylan. I mean, how many songs can you get through in two minutes?

21:07 – That dress Tulisa is wearing is really quite tight, isn’t it? Looks painful to be honest. Having said that, I’m not complaining about it 🙂

21:10 – Ella’s great. But very samey. And now she’s doing one of my favourite songs, but it lacks the energy and sheer passion of the original. I know she’s the favourite, but sorry, I can’t see her winning.

21:14 – One thing that annoys me about X-Factor is the way the crowd reacts whenever a judge offers an honest critique or makes genuine points that help the performer improve. Anything that isn’t gushing praise is greeted by boos. Why? I don’t understand it.

21:22 – I like Christopher, and if the rumors of the phone vote polls are true so do a lot of people (they reckon he’s topped the polls every week), but can he really win it? And if he does, will we hear even less of him afterwards than we did of… er… that one, you know… and… er… thingy. Yeah, those two.

21:28 – Gary just called Tulisa “Fag Ash Breath”. Now that’s entertainment. I think that Tulisa’s problem with Maloney is that he isn’t ‘urban’ enough. Either that or maybe he’s admitted to her that he’s seen that video of hers that came out in the summer. Perhaps that’s why he shakes all the time when he sees her.

21:35 – District 3 next. And they murder one of the best songs of all time – Every breath you take by The police. Not only do they sing it out of tune and at the wrong speed, they ‘mash it up’ with some other shit. Hated it. Hate them. Shit. Shit. Shit.

21:37 – Thank you Gary Barlow. I’m sick of bloody mash-ups too. Oh, and Nicole, the five eyeballs thing is Clockwork Orange. Do you have no cultural knowledge?

21:43 – Holly Willoughby has just tweeted in on the whole “”Fag Ash Breath” thing by informing the world that her breath smells of Tequila. Well, there are worse things for it to smell of.

21:46 Jahmene sang for Samuel L. Jackson, officially the coolest man on the planet. I don’t life will ever get much better than that. This boy is class. He’s singing Killing Me Softly. And singing it well.

21:48 – Best performance of the night. So far ahead of the other it’s untrue. Only James Arthur comes close. It’s nice to see the judges gush this much when its well deserved.

21:54 – Jade. Good song choice. But she looked lost on that stage on her own early on. Then the bondage dancers came out and I think it put her off because her vocals suddenly got worse. In fairness though, if six girls in silver catsuits started dancing around me with ropes, it would put me off first.

21:58 – Apparently “Freak Like Me” is a song that Jade listened to when she was ‘growing up’. Shit, I feel old now. Thanks.

22:04 – Can I go and watch Boardwalk Empire yet? No, not yet, James is on next.

22:07 – James Arthur. Nothing more to say really.

22:09 – Okay. If I must. This guy is great. If he doesn’t win (and I don’t think he will for some reason) I think he’ll be the real big winner from this year. I’ve loved everything he’s done so far. Just incredible.

22:13 – Well, I enjoyed that. Writing about it as much as watching it. I think we’ll end up with Christopher, Jahmene and James in the final. Yes, I don’t think Ella will make it that far. Semis at best. I just think people will tire of her. One thing is clear though, Jahmene and even more so James are streets ahead of the others.

Robbie is on the results show tonight. He must have a new album out or something. Well, that’s a Chrissy present for Sandrine sorted at least.

Related articles

• ‘Rylan won’t make the X Factor final’ predicts Nicole Scherzinger (mirror.co.uk)
• nicole scherzinger and tulisa in sexy halloween outfits (thesun.co.uk)
• Lucy Spraggan is too ill to perform on tonight’s X Factor (thesun.co.uk)

Review – X-Factor 23/10/10 part 2

IF you haven’t read part one of this ‘review’, read it here.

After the Boy Band, we were treated to a woman who’s bottom is not in proportion to the rest of her body. Seriously, this girl’s arse is huge. Not that I’m complaining, I quite like it. But anyway, I didn’t like the song, I don’t think it suited her, and if Cheryl insists on pushing Trayc as a “Rock Chick”, she’ll be out before to long. Shame, cause she has a wonderful, powerful voice.

Tesco Mary was next. She sang a song. It was good. She’s good. But she cries a lot. She won’t win, but she will probably get to release an album of ‘classics’ which they’ll sell in Tesco.

Then came Aiden, who after last week needed a strong performance. I didn’t think he was all that good, but the judges did so he went through cause some people can’t make up their own minds and do whatever Simon tells them. One thing I do like about Aiden – his surname. Can you get a more northern sounding surname than “Grimshaw”?

Girl Group time. They sang – yes, they actually took time out from moaning & bitching and generally not getting alone to sing – the Girls Aloud version of “I’ll Stand By You”. Cheryl was ‘honoured” and felt like she should get up and sing with them. It wouldn’t help, I don’t think these girls have much longer left. I liked them at the judges houses, but three weeks in and I’m sick of ‘em.

And can someone tell Cheryl Cole that “I’ll Stand by You” isn’t ‘her’ song. It’s Chrissie Hynde’s song. And The Pretenders version is better than Cheryl & Co.’s version by several hundred country miles. In fact, here is The Pretenders version.

And then there was Wagner. How the hell is this guy still here? What was he doing there in the first place? I have a theory. I think Simon had him put through (yes, I know Louis is his mentor, but it’s Simon’s show) to give the rest of us hope. Let’s face it, if he can make it the live shows, anyone can. His ‘performance’ was out of tune, out of time, and he looked like your drunken dad dancing at a wedding. It was entertaining, but only in the sense that it was so bad it was funny.

Katie was last to perform, but I couldn’t take anymore after Wagner. She can’t have been that bad, she got through, didn’t she?

Well, that’s that. Until next week. Will it still be a twelve hour show next week now there’s ‘only’ 11 of them left? God, I hope not.

Review – X-Factor 23/10/10 part 1

Well, this day was my birthday, 36 years young, so I was hoping that all my dreams would come true. Unfortunately, Wagner is still in the X-Factor, so I was all out of luck. As was John Yoda-lay-hey-who or whatever his name is, who went crashing out after forgetting the lyrics in his version of Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You” not once, but three times. I wonder why the judges never mentioned his screw-up as they sent him packing?

Actually, I think this week’s show was pretty good. The songs chosen were, on the whole, awful, but that proved to be a decent test for the wannabes.

Paije was… well, he was Paije – all big smiles and solid vocals and looking like he’s having the time of his life. Lovely kid – judging by what we see of him, which is, of course, through the Syco editors lens – but he’s not going to win.

John came out with a sparkly suit and an new hair-do. I’m not surprised he left this week to be honest. He’s another one who looks like he’s enjoying himself, but was never going to win. I said to Sandrine on Sunday night, he’s the sort of man you’d listen to if he was performing somewhere you happened to be – like Butlins for example – but he’s not someone you’d stump up good money to see.

Rebecca was up next. I love this girl. I’d buy her album tomorrow (not strictly true since I haven’t bought an album in god knows how long, but it’s the sentiment that counts) and listen to time and again. Her voice is just… It just is. I hope that Cheryl doesn’t work to hard on helping Rebecca overcome her shyness though – that’s actually part of her appeal at this point. Watch her performance here.

Then came Cher. Is there a contestant this series that divides opinion as much as her. Hell, she’ even divides my opinion. Here’s why. I really like her performances. I don’t quite buy the whole “fresh and original” line the judges are taking with her – I see her as more of a British version of Gaga – Gaga Lite, if you like – but I think she puts on a good show and could be huge with the right guidance. It’s her I don’t like. I think there is something fundamentally unlikeable about her. I don’t know if it’s her constant snarling, or her ‘attitude’. Actually, I think the whole ‘attitude’’ thing is a put-on. The impression I get is of a spoilt middle-class kid trying to be ‘street’ but not quite understanding what ‘street’ represents – it’s more that she like the clothes and music.

In the end, I think she could win it. Here’s her performance from this Saturday.

Next up was Matt. He was great. Really, really good. As long as he doesn’t stuff it up, he’ll win. He sang Britney’s “Hit me baby…” and it sounded better than when she sang it. His performance is here

This part of the show was certainly for the girls though. In the same segment as Matt, came the boy band. I went to make a cup of tea at this point. They don’t need to win, Simon will make his money off them whatever happens. Next!

More to come…